It's ok to not like yourself sometimes - or why I'm not blogging a lot

Most of you regular readers might have noticed that I'm not blogging a lot lately. This has two reasons and I want to share them with you.

Number One: New Job!

The obvious first reason is a pretty happy one: I started working my dream job in October!

Work Selfie

This means I'm super stoked that I get to go to work every day, spend it with nice people and doing something I love PLUS get paid for that. I am very lucky to be able to do that!
It also means that I travel a lot since I have a 2hr commute to work. Yes. 2hrs every way. I can do a lot on the train, but since I don't own a tiny portable netbook - I can't blog or write on the way.

Number Two: Boobs can be stupid.

The second reason is a bit more complicated. (just so you know, body image stuff and eating disorder stuff will be discussed that isn't entirely positive)

Let's start with the fact that I found my passion for practicing pole dancing about a year ago - and steadily I'm improving. I'm of course still a beginner and I don't train frantically, but still apparently it's enough that my body changes its shape. I was always smallbusted, but now I lost a lot of breast fat, got a bit wider back and my breast shape changed. Drastically.

This means that more than 3/4 of my bras don't fit anymore. I need wider bands than I used to (I was usually wearing 30 or even 28 bands) - I now choose 32 bands or 34 bands depending on brand. I lost about one cup size, but my breast root is still the same - I need the volume of a 32B cup but the width of a 30D-DD cup - which is very much not existent.

So, to sum up: My beloved, somewhat expensive bra collection doesn't fit anymore. I can't really buy new bras because I feel there are no bras that fit as well as my old ones fit.
And I hate the fact that I lost the little boobs I had left.
I wear my pretty lingerie and see that it doesn't fit and it makes me feel awful. My ribs are more prominent than my boobs now, I see more flaws in my not-entirely-flat stomach and fear I'm gaining too much weight again and I am really not happy about that. These eating disorders are really no fun, huh?

I came a long way from hating my body to accepting me - but this is making things harder for me again.
And it doesn't put me in a place where I wanna blog every other day.

But I try to remember one thing:

  • It is ok to not like yourself sometimes.
  • It is ok to be unhappy about some things.
  • I will try to work on these things and somehow it will turn out for the better: Find new stuff I like about myself. Take a shitload of selfies to see I'm not that bad even if I don't have my "big" boobs anymore.
  • I WILL fight back.

And for the time being I guess I'll just have to wear bralettes or no bra at all.

xoxo denocte

Bruno Banani
Bruno Banani Set aka "gender is a social construct"